How The «Self Esteem» Ethos Has Shaped Feminism

In The Feminine Mystique, U.S. author Betty Friedan described how, in 1950s America, healthcare professionals across disciplines observed that housewives from well-off families were increasingly afflicted by what appeared to be a growing malaise. This strange unease (what Friedan famously called «the problem that has no name») was a sense of dissatisfaction and anxiety that lacked any obvious cause. It affected women who, in theory, had everything they could possibly want.

Yet, Friedan wrote that each suburban wife struggles with it alone: «As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night — she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question: ‘Is this all?’»

Despite belonging to a privileged group, having achieved a high standard of living and fulfilling every expectation society placed upon them, these women felt a deep discontent that psychology could not seem to resolve. Why? In Claves feministas para la autoestima de las mujeres («Feminist Keys to Women’s Self-Esteem») Mexican author Marcela Lagarde explains that, like millions of women around the world, they lived to support the growth and self-realization of their husbands and families — and that this left them deeply unfulfilled.

This way of life, this «being-for-others», prevented them from knowing who they truly were. To break out of this condition, they had to build a form of self-esteem based on self-awareness, autonomy and empowerment.

A persistent inequality

Much has changed since then. Women have gained greater awareness and rights, yet their mental health remains worse than that of men. According to Spain’s General Council of Psychology, the use of antidepressants, anxiolytics, hypnotics, and sedatives is between 1.5 and 3 times higher in women than in men, across all variables. This consumption also increases with age, until women reach the age of 80.

Emotional well-being depends on structural factors: gender inequality, the burden of caregiving, normalized violence, and impossible expectations all directly impact mental health.

Viewing self-esteem as merely a personal issue therefore limits our understanding of the problem and what can be done about it. As Lagarde points out, «the difference between traditionalist versus feminist views of self-esteem, in addition to being philosophical, is political and ethical».

A person with low self-esteem tends to seek approval from others

Thus, working on self-esteem implies acknowledging two things: first, that it is related to the way each individual sees themselves; and second, that it is profoundly influenced by our living conditions. While there are many structural issues that are beyond our immediate control, there’s also a great deal we can work on — both individually and collectively — to strengthen our self-esteem.

Accepting and acknowledging ourselves

Psychologist Rosario Martín Puente, an expert in gender-based violence, explains that «someone with good self-esteem acts independently, is coherent with their ideas and is able to express their feelings without depending on other people’s reactions». As a result, this person finds satisfaction in their social relationships, communicates clearly and faces new challenges even when they do not feel completely secure.

On the contrary, «a person with low self-esteem tends to seek approval from others, is inhibited by fear of rejection and avoids situations that generate anxiety». In addition, they find it difficult to handle frustration, collapse when faced with failures and prefer routine rather than taking the risk of change. All this also leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy: feeling or seeing oneself as incapable then leads to stagnation, inactivity and mistakes.

What can we do, then, to cultivate healthy self-esteem? According to Martín Puente, it is essential to work on two key behaviors: self-acceptance and self-reinforcement.

Self-acceptance invites us to stop overestimating our negative aspects and to learn to see them more objectively, without destructive judgments. How can we achieve this? One strategy is to start by changing the way we talk to ourselves. It is not the same thing to say «I am useless» as to recognize «I made a mistake» or «it is difficult for me to do this». This change of approach allows us to accept mistakes as part of the learning process and to transform guilt into responsibility: accepting what we failed at without punishing ourselves, but with a commitment to doing better.

Self-reinforcement, meanwhile, involves valuing and praising ourselves for what we identify as positive, something we tend not to do very often. «We think we will be rejected if we say ‘I’m a very nice person’ and not when we say ‘I’m a mess’. We also tend not to praise ourselves for our positive characteristics because we think we have far fewer of them than we really do», says Martín Puente.

This type of self-limiting thoughts, often internalized since childhood, particularly affects women, who are socialized in humility, care and compliance. Therefore, to develop good self-esteem, we must also learn to recognize our positive features.

Interacting on an equal footing

Olga Castanyer, a specialist in clinical psychology, has written extensively on the link between assertiveness and self-esteem. Assertiveness, i.e. the ability to assert one’s own rights without being manipulated and without manipulating other people, is crucial for both self-respect and equitable relationships.

Self-esteem is not only a personal exercise

In her book La asertividad: expresión de una sana autoestima («Assertiveness: Expression of a Healthy Self-Esteem») Castanyer discusses assertive rights, which everyone is entitled to, but which «we often forget at the expense of our self-esteem». The right to be treated with respect and dignity, the right to hold and express our own feelings and opinions, to be listened to and taken seriously, to make mistakes, to rest, to enjoy ourselves, to say «no» without feeling guilty or to ask for what we want are some of them. «Assertive people know their own rights and stand up for them, whilst respecting others. That is, they do not aim to ‘win’, but rather to ‘come to an agreement’,» explains Castanyer.

How can we improve our assertive behaviors? Castanyer recommends a combination of cognitive, behavioral, and anxiety-reduction techniques. The first, cognitive restructuring, consists in identifying and modifying those irrational beliefs that interfere with the way we act. Then, social skills training is essential to develop competencies that allow us to communicate clearly, directly and respectfully. Finally, anxiety reduction techniques can help us manage fear and tension in social interactions.

Self-esteem is also political

This process needs time and space for self-connection. Having moments of chosen solitude allows us to step away from external demands and listen to our own needs, thoughts and desires. In Lagarde’s words, «solitude is a necessary state to experience autonomy».

However, self-esteem is not only a personal exercise, it is also a collective endeavor. From a feminist perspective, Lagarde explains that self-awareness is a key point. It means asking ourselves who we are, from where we speak, in what context we live and what inequalities we experience. But it is not only an introspective process: it’s also a way of understanding ourselves as part of a larger group.

Thus, empowerment implies recognizing and strengthening our own potential to defend our needs, rights and desires, while at the same time moving towards a collective transformation.

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This content is part of a collaboration agreement of ‘WorldCrunch’, with the magazine ‘Ethic’. Read the original at this link.